Fifth Birthday in Heaven

8:10:00 PM

This is the only way I can capture moments of Jibrael’s fifth birthday of Khubayb, I and Jibrael. Us two and her resting place. 

It is the 5th year, but as much as it doesn’t actually get any easier coming into her birthday month it has been much more bearable especially since I have also been blessed with Jibrael’s younger siblings. 

I knew I wanted to visit her with Khubayb. It was either today on her actual birth date, or yesterday just a day before. But yesterday did not happen as I was down with a sudden fever since morning till the afternoon (probably because of the sudden cold weather). It got better at night and I managed to attend my aunt’s birthday and had a lovely time meeting everyone. It was like a big family gathering. I selected and edited photos to post today but didn’t get the time to do so so probably will share it some time this week. My point is, I felt like I was okay. Like it’s going to be so easy to just go to visit Jibrael in the morning. I slept late and woke up super early and was just looking at the photos from last night for me to post. 

And then when I started to get ready I felt slightly anxious. And it became worse and worse till I snapped at some of my beloved family members. I was ready in my white outfit to visit Jibrael and all of a sudden as I was just going out of my room the sudden flashbacks of what happened on Jibrael’s birthday 5 years ago just went through my head : from the moment I was in labour, going into the labour room, before that other than Khubayb, my mother, my brother Khairul and aunt Ende Cho were there with me at the hospital event till after midnight though it was actually Ende Cho’s birthday, they were there to be with me because it could have been anytime, and then the emergency C-section, beautifully giving birth to her, holding her, her making sounds when I talked to her, her tiny fingers grabbing mine, and then finding out that there is a possibility that she might not make it, seeing my mum watching and talking her first grandchild and seeing Jibrael open her eyes I can still remember the excitement in her voice when she said “Jibrael buka mata”, that her lungs were not strong enough and then finding out about her leaving this world to go to heaven while I was still high on painkillers 12 hours after I gave birth to her, and not being able to go to her funeral on the same day because I just had the C-section and I was just not fit to go, finding out my father who was admitted in another hospital because of an accident came out and came to see Jibrael and managed to hold her lifeless body at the time before Khubayb brought her to the funeral to be buried with my inlaws and a few family members while my dad accompanied me at the hospital in his wheelchair... a gush and flood of tears suddenly became uncontrollable this morning and i did not expect it. Because the last few times I went to the grave I didn’t cry at all it felt so peaceful. I should have read my previous posting that I shared in my previous post “FOURTH BIRTDAY IN HEAVEN” all about expecting the unexpected. It was uncontrollable but i managed to hide the sounds of myself crying. And then we went out. My kids, Khubayb, I and helper. Off to visit Jibrael and friends. 

Since we brought the kids and we want them to wait in the car for awhile while we visit Jibrael, I thought its better if we read Surah Yaseen in the car on the way there instead of at the grave so that the kids did not have to wait for us too long. Its one of the surahs that we love to read, recite or play for Jibrael during and throughout my pregnancy with Jibrael and also when I was giving birth to her. Throughout the C-section procedure I played Surah Yaseen and recited it together throughout in between talking to her while giving birth to her. The doctor said I was very talkative when I gave birth as I just kept talking to Jibrael while they were literally cutting me open to bring Jibrael out of my body. So as soon as we left the house, I played the Mishary recitation (my favourite) and planned to recite it together but just when I said “ya” I couldnt continue... I let it play and let the tears flow freely in silence while reciting in my heart and not out loud. It wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be.

We reached her resting place when there were just about 3/4 verses left, just in time. We went out, just Khubayb and I and Khubayb led the prayers as usual. I didnt cry last year but this year I just couldn’t hold it. I thought it will get easier. I thought now that I have Elhan and Evren I will be stronger and wouldn’t cry on days like today. But I did. After 5 years, I still didn’t know what to expect. No child can be replaced and we will miss them forever. And missing them is the price we pay for love. We would not miss them if we didn’t love them. We wouldn’t feel the pain and hurt if we don’t love someone so much. 

Happy 5th Birthday in Heaven Jibrael. 

The concept of time might be totally different in a totally different world. But I am just writing based on what I understand and what I believe. I believe that Jibrael is having the happiest 5th birthday because heaven is amazing beyond imagination, a place we all aspire to be one day. I believe that no birthday parties or nothing that I can give in this world can compare to what she is receiving from God and experiencing in heaven. I believe that as much as Khubayb and I are hurting, Jibrael is blessed to be chosen as one of the children in heaven. I believe that one day we will reunite eventhough sometimes the journey seems ... not so easy. I believe that she will be happy if she knows about her younger siblings baby adik who has joined her and Elhan and Evren who are here in this world but hopefully when our time in this world are up, will be joining Jibrael in heaven.

Anyways, I got a text message from Murni in the morning but only managed to read it after visiting Jibrael. 

“Happy birthday to baby J, maya's 1st friend. May she be blessed and always happy in heaven”

And this really is one of the things that made my day today apart from being with my family. For a friend to acknowledge Jibrael’s existence and remembering Jibrael’s birthday without me even mentioning it anywhere on social media yet is just something so precious and I am glad that Jibrael’s life, though it may seem short when you quantify it, actually gave an impact. 

After visiting Jibrael, we went back to our place, as we have been at my parents place since we had Evren and Ive been working. And we spent quality time together just at home before attending my niece’s birthday.

I have so many nice photos of those but I will try to share it all soon. For today, I just want to make it about Jibrael. Because it is her 5th birthday and I just miss her so much and as much as it pains me to not have her here and play with her younger siblings here on earth, i love this feeling of missing her. Because she is a part of me. My blood ran through hers. She was inside of me. And that 12 hours was a miracle and felt so magical and I am blessed to have her as my first child, my first daughter, my princess who was too beautiful for earth she had to go straight to heaven. 

I love that she made me a mother. And I love that she has taught me what unconditinal love of a mother means.

All praises to the Almighty for my Jibrael.

May Allah grant Jibrael the happiest birthday in heaven with all her friends over there. May we reunite one day with our whole family and friends.

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