Love Will Remain A Mystery

10:41:00 PM

Indeed, sometimes love can be very complicated. Sometimes it can be so simple. Love can sometimes also be a mystery. Or is it mysterious all the time?

Have you ever had this burst of emotions that you just want to express and scream out but for some reasons you can't share it? Its either you can't share it due to internal or external reasons. You want to but can't? I've been having those moments a lot since I became a mom. Like, I want to share every single thing but I can't. Either because I am just not able to or sometimes, choose not to for the benefit of my children or sometimes even myself. It can be quite hard not to since I've always been a sharer and a documenter about pretty much a lot of things in my life, not all of course.

Wow, it is already the last day of November today. Time really flies by so fast. I feel like I have been repeating that. But it really feels like that, even though there were times that moved so slowly. 

I'm still at the hospital with my son, Elhan. It's his 8th day being unwell and we are still here and we have no idea when he will recover and we are still praying that he will get well soon and we all will get out of here soon. 

It is heartbreaking to see him suffer. But if staying here and continuing the treatments are what's best for him, then we definitely wouldn't want to do anything else because he is our top priority at this moment in time, ever since we had him and we will only do what is best for him, nothing less. 

I'm so thankful  for the help from family and friends and all the wishes, tips, prayers, messages via comments on IG, this blog and an overwhelming lot of personal direct messages on IG. So grateful to everyone who have shown love and support towards Elhan through this time. May you all be blessed and rewarded abundantly for your kindness.

I blogged about LOVE in my post LOVE BOUND earlier this year in January 2017:

"L O V E 

A big word.
4 letters, 1 syllable. 
It has different definitions for different people.
Different meanings in different situations.
It means different things at different times.
Sometimes we show it, sometimes we don't.
And we show it in different ways too.
It can make perfect sense when it shouldn't make any sense.
It can exist out of nothing yet it can be our everything.

So simple yet so complex. 
So subjective yet so beautiful. 
So generic, yet can also be so specific.
So confusing yet so straightforward. 
So deep and so meaningful.
It brings comfort and joy but at times it brings tears and pain.

One of nature's best gift to us and the universe's greatest energy.
One of life's greatest blessing, other than life itself."

I wrote that in January and now after just 11 months,  those things that I mentioned remained the same and I still relate to to it very much but at the same time things totally changed.  My life totally changed this past two months. Totally. Again. 

I also mentioned about it in my recent post, CHANGE : My Universe

But some things remain a mystery. I wish I can share, but not yet. Just not yet.

It is amazing how the exact same thing or situation can change and give different meanings at different phases or stages of life. 

The inspiration of the title of this post is actually a song which I have mentioned in about 4 different blogposts, at very different stages of my life. The year I got married, way before I was thinking about ever having children, then the first year after I became a mother to my first child, and then the second year after being Jibrael's mother  and then, now almost a year after I became a mother to my first living child, Elhan. 

The song is Brighter than Sunshine by Aqualung. I've been listening and singing this song  a number of times throughout the day today.

Each line of the lyrics give different meanings to me at different times and I remember how it gave me such an uplifting mood singing it to Jibrael the day before I gave birth to her and it was just so beautiful. 

And now, here I am, blogging this in the hospital, listening to this song on repeat while I'm typing this, with a totally different meaning when I listened to it almost 5 years ago, stealing some moments while he is peacefully sleeping (those who have been through having their child in a hospital would know that that rarely happens when they are sick)  writing this down, documenting this feeling that I have for my first living child, Elhan, sitting down at the sofa next to his hospital bed where I have slept in this past few days together with him, next to him, worried sick, but trying my utmost best not to show it to him, to cheer him up, be positive despite what may look like a negative situation. (By the time I'm finalising this post he is already up and and going through his nebuliser treatment and just had his doses of meds)

I can't explain what the song means to me. But, it hits me. Even more so now, than before. Certain things in life, really remains a mystery. And that is what I have, what I feel for my children, the ones here and the ones in heaven. Others may not understand but its a bond that I only felt, once I fell for them, instantly. The ones I would do anything for, the ones who I would really, bleed myself dry for. My children. Each and every single  parent sacrifices their life for their children, although it might be in different ways or different style as each of us are unique and different in our own ways. But its something that only we know, sometimes we might not even realise it, but God knows.

Anyways, I also shared the music video at the bottom of this post for the benefit of anyone who has never heard this song before. Here are the lyrics to the song:

I never understood before. I never knew what love was for. My heart was broke, my head was sore - What a feeling. Tied up in ancient history, I didn't believe in destiny. I look up, you're standing next to me - What a feeling. What a feeling in my soul - Love burns brighter than sunshine, Brighter than sunshine. Let the rain fall, I don't care. I'm yours, and suddenly you're mine. Suddenly, you're mine; And it's brighter than sunshine. I never saw it happening. I'd given up and given in. I just couldn't take the hurt again - What a feeling.

Love will remain a mystery,
But give me your hand, and you will see.
Your heart is keeping time with me.

When I talked about the song in my previous posts, mainly it was about my family or more so, children.  (Read : Feeling in My Soul,  Second in Heaven : 15.1.15Counting Down the Days : 14.1.14 : Expect the Unexpected X and lastly one from way before i had my children many many years ago when I still had a twitter account and there was no IG yet at the time : My Weekend with Music in Bed).

I captured the images of the paintings in this post which was displayed just outside Elhan's ward. There were no mention of the artist at the side so I couldn't credit him or here but I love how they displayed this lovely colourful paintings which really uplifts the mood, transforming a negative situation into a more positive experience. It can be hectic and exhausting but small little things like this makes a big CHANGE in someone's mindset, mood and feelings.


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  1. life and love have always been a typical mystery about this world and because of both of these being a mystery we arre able to enjoy each day as new and different and have good experiences which make us better.