Visiting Jibrael & Friends : Expect the Unexpected XVIII

11:40:00 PM

When I finally had the strength and went to the grave with the husband, I didn't cry at all. In fact, I no longer felt anxious or nervous. When I arrived, I felt at peace and I smiled, because I felt that where I was at the moment was the closest that I can get to her. It felt surreal though, because every time I go to the grave, the surrounding is so peaceful and serene. It was not sunny, the weather was a little gloomy but just nice and redup. There were chickens too. Everything was suddenly in slow motion.

(Oh, by the way, this post is a continuation of my post Her Third Raya : Expect the Unexpected XVII where I shared how I've been feeling the days leading to Raya)

The hardest part was actually before going there. But when I arrived, it felt that a burden had been lifted. When we arrived at Jibrael's grave, I couldn't even look at her grave at first. I initially looked at her neighbours, smiled and saw that there were so many little babies that were buried around her. I saw twins too. Some small baby sized graves and some a bit longer than the others. I felt like: Ok, Jibrael has a lot of friends in heaven. And I'm pretty sure she has many friends over there. 

After awhile, I looked at her resting place. The place where her body was buried. 

We haven't done up Jibrael's grave yet. But when I see her neighbours, I felt that their graves look quite nice. Beautifully done up. This time around, there were actually small  little flowers growing on Jibrael's grave. 

I spoke about doing up her grave with the husband before. We've been talking about it for the longest time, every time after we visit or when a birthday or a day of a celebration (like raya) comes up. I mean, it's been more than two years. So I know that we should have done it a long time ago. But we still haven't, even though we've been there many times. I sometimes get angry at both of us for not having the strength to do it. It seems like it is the right thing to do but it's just so difficult. 

It's weird. 

I would've thought that a child would have to think about these things for their parents. Instead, I have to think about all these about my own child. My eldest daughter. As a parent, I should have been busy thinking about strollers, baby car seats, how to feed her, put her to sleep, her toys, her new clothes, playdates with her friends and other baby stuffs, not about her tombstone and grave. Right ? It doesn't seem natural. 

It's exhausting. Writing about this is also tiring. It's really heavy. Sometimes, I don't even know why I write this. But then I read a comment on a previous post also under Jibrael's tag, she said that I should share my feelings because it would help. And I've read comments from other mothers and mothers-to-be who asked me to keep on writing because it helps them too.

And even the counsellor that I met a few months after Jibrael's passing in 2013 also advised the same. As I'm writing this, I'm not sure if this is helping or not. I know nothing can bring her back. 

What I know and believe is this: When my husband was praying while we were at Jibrael's grave, I understood that. Yes. Nothing can bring her back here. I accept that for the moment I found out she left this world. But, the most important thing is that she is definitely having a great and wonderful time in heaven. Yes there is a lot of pain and heartbreak for us who's longing for her and missing her in this world. That is the price we pay for love. But we live in a world where pain and heartbreaks exist. She is not experiencing any of those. And that is inspiring. It inspires me to strive to go to that place where no pain and heartbreak exists when my time in this world is up.

I took a photo of her grave and her neighbours' grave for my memories sake. I find it beautiful. 

I wanted to post it on my IG that day. But, I stopped myself because I realise that what I see as beautiful might not be beautiful for others. Just like art, a photo is also very subjective. Different people see it differently. I know I shouldn't be thinking of what others think and just do whatever I like or feel right but I stopped because I wondered. And to be honest, I also fear sympathy or pity comments. Because when I share it's just me sharing what I feel beautiful. I can't share photos of her so I just share photos which for me bring good and beautiful memories of her. 

I thought: when people look at this photo, probably people will look at it as a negative thing. As though its a sad thing although it is something that they are uncomfortable or fear. Because it reminds people of death... For me, however, it reminds me of her life. It reminds me of her existence. So, that's the difference of perspective that which I have come to realize. 

Let me tell you one thing, yes, the bodies of these children are buried here, but their souls are actually roaming free in heaven. People might pity these children who died at a very young age and pity their parents. But these children struggled and fought for their lives.  Their soul is so pure and without sin. So much so that God rewarded them with Heaven. God is Great. Subhanallah. 

They say a picture speaks a thousand words, but sometimes, I feel that a picture is just an illusion. What you may see as sad (reminders of little children being buried), is actually happiness on the part of their souls because they are at a place where its beauty cannot be described and is beyond our imagination. We can't see that. We only can see what's in front of us. We can't see a lot of things that exists but I am blessed to have a child in heaven and truly believe that she's there. We must have absolute faith. Of course there are moments where I falter, or break, or become weak but God has blessed me in a way that I'm able to rise back up when the unexpected happens so far. Alhamdulillah. 

One of my best friends once told me that I am so lucky and blessed because I have a child in heaven. It is a goal for each parent to raise their children to be the best that they can be and the best of the best are those who would be granted heaven. And Jibrael has been promised heaven. Once a mother, always a mother and the sacrifices will not end until the end of time.

Anyways, 3 years and 3 Rayas ago, in 2012, I fasted the entire month and only found out three days before Raya that I was carrying Jibrael. It was such a beautiful experience.  This year, both my husband and I thought that history would be repeating itself. I allowed myself to believe that I was carrying Jibrael's little sibling. As much as I was frustrated and devastated when I couldn't fast towards the end of Ramadhan this year, I know that His timing and His Plans are better than my own wants. Of course, I accept that Jibrael is gone, but I'm still struggling to deal with the aftermath. Moments like this, trigger emotions and feelings. Especially when facing everyone.

Of course, most of the time if we feel it or there's an unexpected trigger, both me and my husband will talk about this with each other because it is easier to talk with someone who is in the same boat. Other people may not notice it, but he grieves too. Because when I talk sometimes it doesn't really come out. I guess I did need this to be written to get it off my chest. It's not for others but for my own self. Because when I re-read all my previous posts about my daughter, then it slightly soothes my aching and also serves as a reminder to myself. Sometimes I just need to reorganise my thoughts. Especially when the triggers kick in to overwhelm me. I guess, what my readers commented in my previous posts and what my abovementioned counsellor told were right. Writing does help. And if my readers find it beneficial too, especially other parents, that will be a bonus too and I'll be glad to know...

I'm sure Raya and other celebrations are always bittersweet for people who have suffered childloss or the loss of someone they really love. I know because I've been feeling it ever since I lost Jibrael as well as my grandparents. May Allah grant us the strength and patience to pull through and may we re-unite beautifully with our loved ones in Heaven. May they inspire us to strive for heaven and become better individuals. One step at a time. Of course, loss teaches us to be more thankful and grateful of what we currently have. We have been blessed with the gift of life and we should make the best of what is given. 

Life is short and my daughter Jibrael taught me that and I really have to learn it the hard way. She lived for 12 hours after she was born and of course she also lived inside of me. The departed children have been rewarded with heaven for their suffering at a very tender age here on this Earth. (Even we as adults are afraid of death, can we imagine how the babies and little kids must have felt...? I can't imagine the pain that the have to go through in this world when they were fighting for life) 

As Muslims, we must believe in the hereafter and strive for that. If not for the loss of Jibrael, I may not be able to realise all of this. I might be able to say it, but not be able to truly feel it. It's not that easy for me to explain how I feel. She's no longer here. But she's the one person who taught me the most about life. She's an amazing teacher. It's a little ironic, if I think about it.

All praises to the Creator for blessing me with one of the best gifts in my life, my child in heaven, my eldest daughter : Putri Jibrael Zumirrah. Continuous Al-Fatihah tak putus for her and her friends in heaven. May we all get to meet this children of heaven, one sweet day.

Below are images I captured when I visited my daughter Jibrael and her friends. A beautiful view in my eyes. The closest earthly view I can have of Jibrael and some of her friends in heaven. Where she really is, is beautiful beyond imagination and can't be seen by our limited senses and mind. 

All praises to the Most Loving, Most Merciful, our Creator to whom we belong and will all return.


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  1. Keep on writing akak. Because Jibrael's stories r as beautiful her soul is. I'm a kids lover & every post of ur beautiful daughter makes me feels so close to her. May Allah bless u always. Muchh love to u akak, the best mom of Jibrael's 😘

  2. Just keep on blogging about anything if u think dz is d best way to express ur feelings. Yup, i do found blogging as a part of self improved media coz when i post about something, it's like a pledge dt i need to fulfill to be a better person. May Allah SWT blessed us all..

  3. didnt realise it has been three years since Jibrael left us. May Allah bless her soul.
    Dear sis Sabrina, may Allah gives strength to you, your husband and family. Semoga Allah menggantikan kehilangan Jibrael dengan sesuatu yang lebih baik.
    I hope you find wisdom behind what had happened and get the strength to move on. May Allah bless you.

  4. i found peace seeing the photos of these little graves.the scene is beautiful and tranquil.they must be waiting for their mothers in heaven now.i wish i could visit these little angels and give my prayer.the loss of a child is the most devastating experience to any parent in this world.i almost lost mine too.