Second in Heaven : The Supposed Special Day

9:56:00 AM

13th April 2015. Her estimated due date was 12/13th April 2013. It was supposed to be her birthday. But that was what it was. Her "estimated" due date.  

Not everyone will remember a baby's EDD or even birthday. But their parents will always remember it. Always.

You can't tell them to forget it. It's just something that we will always remember even more when they are no longer with us. 

How can anyone forget the day they gave birth to their child? I for one never could. It was one of the most beautiful moments I have ever experienced in my entire life. To witness the miracle of God's creation.

I wrote about how difficult it was for me and the husband to visit our daughter's grave this year in my post Second in Heaven 15.1.15. I didn't understand why it was so difficult. We planned to go but couldn't. I prayed for the strength to go to her kubur (grave) after umrah but we both still couldn't. We kept ourselves busy with work and everything else. She was in our minds and thoughts all the time but we couldn't bring ourselves to visit her grave. 

Flashbacks. Beautiful moments, painful moments all came running through my mind. Moments when she was still with us. To others it may seem that it's just a short time, but for me it feels like a lifetime. Her lifetime.

Finally yesterday, we went. We visited her...

I can't continue writing... I whatsapped the husband. He told me to continue writing... So many things I'm feeling in my heart and so many things I'm thinking about in my mind... I couldn't stop my tears from flowing just now. Trying to hide from anyone see me crying. 

I just finished reading my last letter to her. Second in Heaven : Mama's Letter to Jibrael.

I'm okay now. Managed to stop the tears from running down my cheeks.

The thing is, when I went to her grave yesterday I didn't cry. We both didn't cry for the first time. The weather was nice because the rain just stopped so it wasn't hot. It was cool. We still haven't done anything about the grave. Haven't decorated it or whatever you call it. There were chickens and cats running around. Previously I've never seen chicken and cats running around like that at her grave.

My daughter is too beautiful for earth. God knows best. Her soul is too pure. So instead of going through life on earth God sent her straight to heaven instead. Where there is no pain, no hurt, no suffering and no need for painful tears. She's at a place where all of should aim to go to when our time in this earth is up. We don't know when that will be. For my daughter, she lived in this world less than a day. That is already a gift in itself and I'm thankful to witness God's miracle through her. 

Life is short. Sometimes we might think that it's taking a long time for us to go to the future but when we look back we always feel that time is moving so fast. For me, it has already been two years since she went away and left this world. It really feels like yesterday especially on dates like this, I feel it even more. Flashbacks kept running through my head which makes it hard for me to try and focus on other things. But, of course, I try my best to focus on life and other responsibilities that I have right now. Whether I succeed or not, is a totally different thing altogether.

Eventhough it wasn't easy but I am blessed that the husband is with me this year. Alhamdulillah. Last year he wasn't. I wrote last year in Her Due Date : 13.4.13 : Expect the Unexpected XV.

I really don't know how to do this sometimes. The husband too. It's not something we both expected. I didnt expect it won't be easy for us to do certain things that before this would be so easy to do. I didnt expect that the second year will be tougher than before. We are still learning each and every single day on how to go through it. I guess the learning is a never ending process. Just like other parents learn every single day on how to raise their kids, parents like me and Khubayb learn how to cope with the loss of a child. Parents of children in heaven. We are really trying our very best to learn.

Yesterday was an achievement for the both of us. :) For both me and my husband to bring ourselves to our daughter, Jibrael's grave. Finally we have the strength this year, to go. All strength and power comes from the Almighty.

I miss her. So much.

And don't tell me it's wrong to miss my daughter because missing is the price we pay when we love someone so  much. And it is not wrong to love our own child.

May Allah protect her and let her have the best of time up there in heaven. A wonderful time none of us can even begin to imagine. May our love for our daughter and the remembrance brings us closer to the One who created love and everything that exists. May we all be blessed with His Love. 


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  1. just few word.. but can make my cried. Takziah.

  2. takziah too.

  3. it takes strong parent to have a blessed little princess in Jannah. :) Let it go Breen, Allah will give u more insyaAllah

  4. Salam Ku..

    I came across your blog after looking thru some instagram pics.

    You're a strong woman. And you have a child waiting for you in heaven. Rezeki tu. A rainbow at the end of a thunderstorm.

    I too have experienced loosing my baby, I lost him at 4 months along my pregnancy. His EDD was suppose to be June 20th 2013. But it never happened. Since we knew the gender of my baby and buried him in a proper Tanah perkuburan, we named our son Muhammad. And I have never step foot once to my son's grave. I still feel his lost even though I am blessed with another son now.

    Alas, my second baby, my son now was diagnose with a hole in the heart and went thru a major open heart surgery about a year ago. I wasn't prepared to loose another son. But Alhamdulillah, my son survived and is now very much healthy.

    It takes courage and strength to go through this obstacles. And most of all support from your loved ones. And Alhamdulillah you have that.

    So keep being strong and have faith. From one mother to another. Keep being a super lady that you are!

    Nadeeya Zahari

  5. be strong!

  6. sis, no one says it is wrong for you to miss your kid. she must be very lucky to have you and your husband as her parent. i hope you continue to be strong. she surely loves to see her parent to be strong and finally meet each other in Jannah, inshaAllah.

    and keep sharing your feelings if that can help you to overcome this ;)

  7. jibrael was a fighter and she's in a better place strong my dear.

  8. dah lama baca your blog.Sebelum kahwin lagi..bercerita pasal Wildan Syurga Putri Jibrael Zummirah.Sungguh terkesan di hati.Tapi tak sangka selepas kahwin,dapat anak, anak saya juga pergi meninggalkan saya di usianya 10 bulan. Baca blog sis, boleh rasa yang sis sungguh kuat.Harap dapat belajar sesuatu dari yr blogpost.Belajar untuk redha...belajar untuk kuat. Terima kasih <3